It's Been a While and I Still Love Chocolate

It's true, its been awhile since I've posted. Busy job hunting, gardening, enjoying time with friends, and reflecting, (*lots of reflecting) on what my next steps (big picture) should... could... will be.
In the midst of all of that reflecting I have also been doing quite a bit of experimenting with recipes. I have always been known to try new ones and make up many of my own. And my daughter's recent decision to go paleo exposed me to a whole different perspective (thanks Meggie). That, coupled with the discovery of my sensitivity to gluten ... so that is why my skin was so itchy!... and my determination to cut out cane sugar set my curious mind onto new quests in culinary experiences.
Surely dear reader, you can understand the dilemma  - because I still love chocolate -  I wanted needed to find a recipe I could call dessert and still be able to scream "Yes, I am meeting  my goals"  and had a comfort food sort of texture.. You know, that texture reminiscent of childhood, which fortunately included creamy things like... Junket, Instant Pudding, Bosco & Milk, Jello, and yes, even cream sauce made with Velveeta. And then don't forget 
             Grandma's Homemade Light as Air Three (or Four) Layer Frosted Cakes and Pies (read flaky crusts) and Mom's to Die for Buttery Sugary Cookies.


Finally I found a recipe I thought worthy of trying  - But I was very, very, very, very skeptical.
                 Why was I skeptical? - Ask anyone that attended my wedding and tasted 
                                                ~  My Carob Avocado Wedding Cake ~
               (homemade by me, the crazy bride-to- be, who had no money & could do it all anyway)


Wedding Cake.. you know, the one reason people stick around after the meal. Mine? Um, it was unfortunately a dismal palate failure. 
                  Hated, like spit it out on the plate, hated by ALL the guests and 
                    loved by one lonely park ranger. 
Yes, I left my reception with him happily munching on the whole cake. I was so shocked when I took that bite from my then husband, I mean it was so fragrant when I baked it. So... I didn't bother to run a taste test. Just call me foolish and embarrassed. 
I google-d high and low to find you that recipe... but for some (gee I wonder why) reason I couldn't find the exact one.... You're welcome.


Setting skepticism aside I forged ahead and commenced my search.  I saw a version first on Pinterest. Yes, I admit to spending a bit of time there. I followed the link but it wasn't quite what I wanted so I set to searching and found over at "Edible Perspective" a recipe whose photos said, "Amazing"
Though very skeptical, yet wishing so deeply for dessert, I went shopping for said required fruits.


Here is Edible Perspective's original recipe.


And now my friends here is the amazing .... smooth, velvety, chocolaty, healthy, low calorie, dairy free, cane sugar free, full of surprising fruit, tastefully reminiscent of childhood recipe story.
As I blended and tasted I tweaked the recipe just a bit.  But still I must admit that as I scooped it into the little bowls I was VERY SKEPTICAL. 
Why, you ask? Because frankly, it tasted AWFUL. ... not quite spit it out awful but pretty awful. Whispering in the recesses of my mind I heard my grandma and my mom saying, "the flavors have to marry and meld, just let it be in the refrigerator." 


So I did. 
And oh my goodness they were so right!  
Now picture it.... I was alone, late at night, when I tasted the married version. 


The outcome?.... Note the caption on my  photo - (*I apologize for the lack of focus, I just got off the phone with Canon and I am sending my camera into them again on Monday)
 

As I scraped my last spoonful up, I said right out loud....

"Oh my gosh, this is seriously good (and giggled)!"

 I even served it to a guest the next day and she promptly licked her spoon clean!


My version of the original recipe:

Chocolate Avocado Banana Pudding (serves 6) only about 135 calories each

• 2 avocados, ripe
• 2 medium bananas, ripe
• 6-8T unsweetened cocoa powder - I used 8
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• ½ teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 Tablespoon Blue Agave
• About 1/3 cup coconut milk (light)
• Juice of about ½ fresh orange – watch your consistency, just enough to add a secret flavor

1. In a food processor or blender, combine the avocado + banana + vanilla and process until smooth.  Scrape down the sides of bowl as necessary.
2. Add the cocoa powder and cinnamon and begin to dribble in the coconut milk to help keep the mixture moving and blending.  Process until smooth.  Add the orange juice squeezing lightly on the orange to let it drip into the blending mixture. Spoon into serving dishes or pile into an almond pie crust.
3. Refrigerate until ready to serve and add any topping you like.
4. Cover and eat within 2-3 days.

What do you think? Will you try it? Do you have a version of your own? Comment away please!

Something Similar*

I was having dinner with friends recently - one of those spontaneous, "Do you want to stay for supper... and share our leftovers?", dinners.... Love those kind of invites (and they were really good leftovers too).


Like all spontaneous times it turned into one filled with rollicking conversation, which in turn got me mulling - 


 - Friend, that shall remain unnamed, had an idea for a blog.... You Are Not Your Checkbook ..... or Something Similar. 
*Hence the title of this post. 


Friend's point being, "There are a lot of people living in America right now that are very challenged by their situations and are in places they never thought they would be." (sort of an actual quote)


Friend was relating how so many have taken huge blows to their financial situations through the 2008 economic crisis, oh and 2009, and 2010, and wait a minute, good golly no wonder people are a little freaked, the 2011 economic crisis; that makes it the economic crisis that never stops or something. Right?


2008-2011 results: lost savings, closed businesses, revealed lack of 'some' people's business integrity, loss of jobs/ahem - hand up on that last one.


My friends surprised me that evening, I really don't remember that I was worried or concerned or voicing  "what I will do next" but they were so very supportive... brainstorming ways for me to make money without really working or some such silliness... Oh that there were a way! Wait, is there a way? If you know, tell me quick! 


Friend said, "You should blog on this topic I brought up and it should have a spiritual side to it because a lot of  people are despairing over their checkbooks, over their lives." 


So this  little mass of words is that attempt. And this post is dedicated to you, Friend.


Maybe I should be worried, but I am not. The facts, as I see them, are that this is not the end. 
And if it is not the end then we have, can choose, hope - 
Most probably most of us have a tomorrow. (I mean no horror there but the bottom line is we don't know when we will draw our last earthly bodily breath.) 
    - And if we don't have an earthly tomorrow 
                 - then we can know what is Next and embrace it 
                          - and breathe deeply and lift our hands in praise.


So in this little mass of words, in this my next earthly chapter; this is what I have come up with so far ~~~

I cannot tell you what to do. 

But I can tell myself what to do. 

And share it with you. 

Note to Self in Midst of New Chapter in Life; do These Things
1. Turn on music often.
2. Breathe deeply often.
3. Search your heart diligently and discover what your real desires and hopes are. Often.
4. Think about what it would mean to realize those desires and hopes. Get a plan.
5. Enjoy this period of time, it is a gift. Discover.
6. Search diligently and repeatedly, meditate, pray and seek. Activate plan.
7. Smile at people you don't know. All the time.
8. Cook for your friends. They will love it and so will you.
9. Apply for positions with regularity. Don't despair.
10. Notice Stuff. All the time.


 And now for your viewing pleasure (and mine again)...  


One of my moments practicing  - Number 10. Notice Stuff -


     Setting the Scene -
I was writing this post, suddenly, really it was suddenly, I looked up and immediately leaped (I wanted to write leapt, but spell check didn't like it so I succumbed to leaped) out of my desk chair (stop it, I know you are laughing as you picture that), grabbed the camera, ran outside, ripped off the lens cap and.... I just had to. Here is why.... 

All tonight, in that order, night sky coming on. Breathed deeply, yes I did. 


And then this happened ~~~~

And this is what I thought just then, "Sun going down to greet someone on the other side of the world."

To greet someone on the other side of the world. 

Someone who is struggling with who knows what.

And that thought, dear reader gave me my numbers 11 and 12.


11. Remember, don't forget, remind yourself, we are all in this together. 
12. Push back, get outside your own despairing head, it is a dangerous place to dwell, live your life today, it is your today.


Thanks Friend and Friend's spouse - you rock. And next time, I will make the salad.

Don't Be

The latest reminders in my life include:

• Don't be surprised.
• Truth is.
• There are no coincidences. 
• Carelessness with the hearts of people = bad.

• So here we go..... Don't be surprised... 

So a new curve in my journey has arrived. I join the ranks of those "laid off due to lack of funds." Never been here before, still adjusting to the idea let alone the reality.
But I can tell you this... I am not alone. Thank you very much. 
I don't mean there are scores of others riding the same curve (though there are). I mean... oh goodness, now I have to tell you a true story and it starts when I was almost nine years old... but quickly jumps to today. - In other words I won't be long-winded because I'm respectful of your time.


When I was eight I had a tough year, I was questioning a lot and didn't have a very creative teacher. But what we did have in class was a science book, that had excellent pictures of... bugs. We lived out in the country in a little town in Ohio.... Hinckley - Home of the Buzzards - that come back every March 15th - Yes really and  there was a parade and a pancake breakfast and a buzzard in a cage... a circus red cage.    I am, er ah -  happy to report, the buzzards still come back and the township has in that great American way expanded their celebration check this out: http://www.clemetparks.com/events/buzzards_sun.asp

But I digress, sorry. So third grade was over and summer was mine. I explored the hillside behind our house sometimes with siblings and sometimes alone. I loved to go into the huge wild grapevine "houses" with, warmed by the sun, just picked, blackberries and sit in the shade and think.. and eat berries. 

• Truth is.

One day  I was standing in the middle of the blackberry patch, covered in scratches from the thorns - because in the middle of the patch were the best and biggest berries you see.... when there just was a hush in the day. It was very sunny and there were birds chirping and all sorts of hillside noises but there was a very evident hush. I froze and there in front of me was a praying mantis. "Oh, it's like in my science book, I said out loud, "God you really did create this, this, praying mantis." 
I realized two things in that moment. One: I had questions as to whether or not what my science book purported as truth was. And Two: I had a holy God moment right then. I spoke out loud to him and I felt his presence. I stood watching that mantis in it's praying position for a long time and then quietly backed out of the berry patch... berry-less and went home, I was pensive and silent and realized I had just experienced some truth.


OK, big deal, a moment in your little girl life, whatever, how sweet. 

• There are no coincidences.

Little girl grows up, doesn't see a praying mantis in person ever since that day. So now, it is many decades later (never mind how many decades later, just a lot). 


It is my last day at work. You see, this isn't just the loss of a "job". It is the loss of a job I truly enjoyed with an organization with a mission I believe in.... it was a sad day. 


I have worked hard to finish well, because even though I was laid off I had determined that last almost month would be productive and positive - and now it is my last day and it is a big day. 


Alright, so I am flying around the house finishing up a few things and suddenly decide I should water the plants on the front porch. Please note: This is something I would NEVER do before going to work. 


I go to pick up the watering can and see something on the underside of the handle. Uh, yes a praying mantis. And in that moment, the day in the berry patch flashed back to me. And it hit me. It's not a sad day forever - It is today, but there is promise of tomorrow and I am not alone and that is Truth and there are no coincidences. 


The praying mantis stayed right there on the watering can for three days and everyday I would crouch down low and look at it and its multiple eyes would look at me and its antennae would wiggle and I would think, "It's going to dart, leave, vamoose.", but it didn't and I was glad. 

Now, last thoughts....
Carelessness with the hearts of people = bad.


Since that morning I have experienced so many people being careful with my heart. You've called and emailed and invited me places and given me hugs and coffee and dinner and good conversation and lovely glasses of wine.  Thank you. 
I didn't even realize it at first, not till Saturday morning, when I heard a song on the radio, a duet and the woman was singing a refrain ..... - "I think I see you being careless with my heart." But you weren't careless, and it really has helped.


I cannot get that phrase out of my mind, how many people have I been careless with, whose heart have I injured or bruised? 


How about you have you thought about that? 


I keep thinking of that line and I keep thinking of that simple moment when I encountered my first praying mantis and the last moment when I encountered the next praying mantis - and I don't know, I am just glad that Someone chose to be careful with my heart last Friday, that whole weekend, that Always. It inspires me - to be sure that no one can say I am being careless with their heart.  Its hard sometimes, but I think we can do it.


Really how about you, what do you think?

Being Stretched

It looks like I am going to be experiencing the turning of  a page. Closing a chapter and beginning another. For some reason getting comfortable in a chapter just isn't part of the journey I am on. Don't read me wrong, I would like to kick back and be comfortable and just live where I am but it hasn't happened very often in my life... especially since, um goodness I cannot even remember! Uh-Oh.

I'm not much of a conscious dreamer. I mean I don't sit around and think about what I want to do or wish I could do. I just have always done what is in front of me and tried to do it well. I did have a few dreams that came to reality. Two great kids. Founded the preschool, ran it, helped lots of families. I never dreamed of going to Africa, but I did... twice. I did dream once about moving to San Luis and did. I don't want to talk about the stuff that happened that was, well, terrible because of course I never dreamed of doing any of it.

But now I have two friends that have challenged me to really think about what I want to do. So I am, really thinking. It is frankly, ...  exhausting.

I thought I was where I wanted to be... already, at least for now, but maybe not, maybe not.

I'll keep you posted.

Ethiopia on my Mind.... UPDATE

It was one year and four months ago that I was in Ethiopia. - My life was/is forever changed and my heart deeply pierced. 
We did not just visit Ethiopia, we made new friends and saw opportunities, possibilities for people. People that think and feel and hope EXACTLY the same as you and me... except their lives are so hard and exhausting I don't really know how they go on. 
Do you remember the two words I came home with after the trip? 
 Thoughts....  "How will I ever begin to describe the people and the country of Ethiopia to my friends and family at home? Give me just two words, two that will help me tell about what I experienced. The country. The people.Two words that would describe both." That is what I wanted, and I got them.

Strength

Beauty

And now sixteen months later I add five more words. So now, when I say Ethiopia these words come to mind:

Strength

Beauty

Joy

Resilience

Perseverance

Life

Hope

Remember THIS picture?

I call it Hopelessness and Death

It was taken near the community of Tamma Mexi. This is where the people of the community come daily to gather water. Unless it is not the rainy season or there is drought. Because then this pit of of sickness and death dries up. 
And then the women and children travel on foot over very rough terrain... Oh, what? ... rough terrain... what? I asked what that meant. 
This is what the chief in Tamma Mexi told me. He said, "That means no animals, no carts... Animals cannot go there and that means no cart can either. So the women and children carry their jerry cans." Those jerry cans that weigh 1 pound each, they fill them and rest a short time.... 
Then they lift the jerry can filled with water. 

They lift the jerry can that now weighs 41 pounds and carry the water back to their homes. 

And that takes 8 hours every day.

And yes, that water too is the same quality as the water pit near their homes. 

Not Safe. Not safe for human consumption. 

But that is all they have, so they consume it, because they are thirsty. 

Just like you and me.

Here are some of the children I met that day - Notice how their clothes are mostly beige, brown, dingy? That is because the water they have is not only their drinking, cooking and yes, bathing water; it is their laundry water too - it stains their clothing.

When we left I cried. But the people stayed there, because that is their home.

So home we went. We had a project plan and funds were raised and so we could stomp on injustice - the work could begin. 

My colleague, Kiera, is in Ethiopia right now. This morning, wonder of wonders we were able to chat online - She filled me in on what she was seeing and sent me the pictures of  Tamma Mexi that she took a few days ago.

Here is the pit of water today. 

Empty. 

No rain since May.

But that is not why it is empty.

It is empty because the water is captured now at the spring, where it is safe.          

So now let's call this 

Health and Freedom

Look close and note the sign says, "Hand Dug Well" - That's right, no big machines could get in there. So. Hand dug. By the people. 
People of strength and beauty.
The people that sixteen months ago said, "We ask for help, we are ready to work, we will do the work." They meant what they said.
Kiera said that though people were not drawing water when she was at the pump she saw them in the community, and good health is evident. (Yes! Fist Pump) 
She was happy to report  "I drank water from the pump." She could do that ... Because now the water in Tamma Mexi is SAFE WATER.


This kind of giving and helping is called - Helping without Hurting - 
It is a hand up, not a hand-out. It is a good way to work to bring true help to real people, people that are just like you and me. You might want to consider a couple of these ideas - 


Check out this website.
Order the book.
Read it.
Spread the word.
http://www.whenhelpinghurts.org/


For reflection and more true stories; consider this idea.
Eight short chapters, one a week for eight weeks. Do it alone, do it in a group. 
http://www.lifewater.org/significantsacrifice

Bring dignity to lives. Do something significant and lasting. 

Offer a real hand-up not more dependence.

Please. 

Puppet Truths and Appreciation

I like puppets. I like that you can make them be whoever you want them to be. Mr. Rogers was good at that. Wait, don't leave me... read on, please.

He created this puppet and gave him these qualities:

Who is King Friday the XIII? (voiced by Fred Rogers) - He is the imperious monarch of the Neighborhood. He is relatively egocentric, irrational, resistant to change, and temperamental, although open-minded enough to listen when told he is wrong. He has a fondness for giving long-winded speeches and using big words. Despite these qualities, he's basically a good regent, capable of summarizing the lesson he has learned after something has gone wrong. 

A friend posted this quote this morning. It has me thinking and pondering....


In his 2001 commencement address at Marquette University, the late Fred (Mister) Rogers said: "For a long time I wondered why I felt like bowing when people showed their appreciation for the work that I've been privileged to do. What I've come to understand is that we who bow are probably-whether we know it or not-acknowledging the presence of the eternal: we're bowing to the eternal in our neighbor. You see, I believe that appreciation is a holy thing, that when we look for what's best in the person we happen to be with at the moment, we're doing what God does. So, in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we're participating in something truly sacred."

Mr. Rogers & King Friday XIII

I realized when I read the quote that my thoughts about eternal things - Er... please read 'things', people - has not been sacred enough. 
Mr. Rogers! you connected some dots for me. Thank you, sir!


What I knew....
There is eternity  -  I am me housed in a body.


I had heard about the eternal living in me and others, and believe it. 


                                          Appreciating other is a good and right thing to do.


But this picture that he spoke. Stops me in my tracks. Actually it stopped my heart with a giant check mark.


Flashback to one post earlier... Splinters and Planks.... I have so much more to learn. The older my body gets the less I know. It's like my younger body with it's thick walls and strong beams keeps some eternal realizations OUT. 


Could it be, as my body grows older, more of the depth of the eternal can get in? As the walls of this world around me weaken can I see out the cracks to the future of what is true and eternal?


I don't know. I'd like to think so.

House with "eyes" looking out and up

But  honestly... Today, after this many years here... how many? Um, 60.


As I was saying, after this many years here, I know little of what is really, really real. Because here in this place I see darkly. But someday, I will see clearly. And that brings me peace.


Maybe we should think of our time here like this.... 


"I have never really considered  myself as a TV star I always thought I was a neighbor who just came in for a visit." - Fred McFeely Rogers

Splinters and Planks and Planks and Splinters

This post has been awhile coming, it's been brewing and running through my mind - back and forth, back and forth for about six months.
Tonight, as I left TJ's with my groceries it HIT me.

"Write it tonight." So here goes.

Planks and splinters are EVERYWHERE.

In YOUR eye I SEE a big old plank...

and in MY eye... ha - there, what do I see?

a tiny splinter.

HA.
- The truth is this:

In MY eye is a giant, ge-normous BEAM.
And it blinds me - all the time it blinds me.

And really in your eye what I should realize and see is a teeny, tiny, ever so teensy splinter.

In other words....

What I SEE in others and think is so dirty, so bad and so disrespectful and so immature and so wrong, so evil, rude, pompous, and prideful.....

WELL
It is absolutely NOTHING compared to what my own real stumblings, mistakes, judgements, prides, attitudes, frustrations, and angsts are.

See, I see others and see all this stuff that is just well, frankly, bothersome and crap. But really, I am the one with the problem.

It shouldn't really matter what is in anyone else's heart or what they are doing, what does matter is what is in my heart and what I am doing. (No don't start protesting here, don't start quoting stuff in your head... about the heart or other people's actions and choices... read on, get the whole thought)...

The thing that matters, I think, the very most is this:

Can I, will I, ask God to show me what HE sees when he looks at the person that I THINK has a plank in their eye? OR am I just too busy staring at the perceived by me plank in their eye to do that?

Am I so sure that what is in my eye is a splinter is so teeny, tiny, ever so teensy? - I mean really... am I?

When I was about eight years old we were attending this church. A church of brick with nice people and a little class for kids my age. I liked it. I learned stuff. We had this workbook and every week we would hear a story and then look in the workbook and see a small illustration of the story and then, I am sure - fill in the blanks, cause when you were eight back then that is how you participated.

So anyway, there was one week where the picture showed these drawings... stick sort of persons that were mostly HEAD. Two of them.

Coming out of one of the head's EYES was a giant, I mean a ge-normous PLANK. BOOM! They had my attention! The plank head was just looking and staring and fixated on the teeny splinter in the other head's eye. And plank head was frowning and had his arms crossed and was all judgmental and squinty eyed.

That picture totally mesmerized me. I kept looking and looking at it. I asked the teacher if I could take the workbook home, I wanted to show it to my parents, but the answer was no. Cause back then, you left your workbooks in the room. period.

OK SO....I just
kept staring at the picture and there and then I experienced a moment of understanding and change.
I made a decision.
I went home that day and I just had a different view.

But,
I STILL sometimes (a lot of times) thought/think

ha, ha, ha I ONLY had/have a splinter in my eye...

BUT
EVERY-SINGLE-DOGGONE-TIME.....

I was/am WRONG.

I always had, have and will have here on earth a ge-normous PLANK in my eye - and I better be doggone sure that I am working on getting it out of my eye, cause it blinds me...

- I NEED A CRANE, A CHAIN SAW, A GIANT PAIR OF PLIERS, A CROWBAR, a something, some tool that will do the job and I need to use it on my own PLANK.

Not anyone else's... splinter.

I am NOT trying to sound self-righteous or perfect because I AM SO NOT ... SO NOT.

But tonight, like other times I have blogged, I just felt so very COMPELLED to write and I had to write and share this weak and sad part of me.

May I always when in my own stumblings, mistakes, judgements, frustrations, and angsts STOP myself and ask...
please show me how to change... in fact, change me.

AND, secondly,

Instead of seeing another person's stumblings, mistakes, judgements, frustrations, and angsts AND dirty, bad and disrespectful and immature and wrong, evil, rude, pompous, and prideful STUFF,

.....may I instead ask God to show me what HE sees when he looks at them. Cause he sees stuff like I don't - he sees people, every one of us with love, always.  

"if what you see by the eye doesn't please you
then close your eyes and see from the heart.
Because the heart can see beauty and love
more that the eyes can ever wonder." - Unknown