Things I Know

Thinking a lot about how life keeps on moving - I know I am still hung up on time. It is so interesting to think about though.
I am very fortunate, I have 3 friends that I would trust my life to. I mean if we were in a really bad situation I think we would all do our best to help each other out of it. That is something that a lot of people don't have.
So when I get uncomfortable with the things that I think should have happened in my life and didn't it is good for me to think on that.
What are the things that make me uncomfortable, that I think should have happened... or not happened in my life? Here is my list:
1. I should not have had to go through a divorce. It wasn't my plan when I said,"I do". My advice - don't live in a fog when you are young and think that everyone is thinking like you and has a healthy outlook on life; even when they talk like they do. If you do that you just might wake up on the first day of your honeymoon and say, "Oh my God what have I done?" But I didn't bail, I really tried and prayed and fasted.
2. I shouldn't have ever had a man look me in the eye and say, "you make too much money" - especially when it was when I was investing my life in the lives of families with young children. And especially because I don't have any retirement or own a home, etc. And especially when he was being paid probably almost 4 times what I was making at the time. (at least that is what someone said to me after they heard him say that to me.) His job? - pushing numbers around spreadsheets. Outcome in my life: that's proof - we live in a broken world.
3. The rest of my list is really to private to share here - so sorry.

Here is my list of the things I love that have happened in my life:
1. I made it this far and am happy and full of peace.
2. Ya, I am still proud of my kids. Speaking of which, if you are a mom whose kids are out of the house... you should watch Diane Keaton in "Because I Said So". I don't like the fact that her kids seem to be encouraged to sleep around, but there is one scene on her birthday where she is absolutely spot on in describing what it is like to be a mother whose kids are grown and what moms are supposed to do now. It is hilariously true.
3. I have been given a cool sister and despite our differences in life and lifestyle we really love each other and help each other - and like she said last week when we were saying good-bye on the phone: "when i started talking to you my back was really hurting and now I guess some good endorphiens were released while we were talking cause my back feels so much better!" Now that's cool and makes me think... I hope I have that effect on a lot of people, as opposed to being a pain in the behind!
4. I have discovered that I really like color, even more than I realized. And light. and the beach. and the mountains. And most of all. that I get to go and experience all those things most anytime I feel like it. I am so blessed to live here.
5. I have had many careers. And I have loved them all. Department Store Buyer, Caterer and Baker, Mother, Teacher, founder and director of a Christian preschool, and now managing volunteers for an international organization that cares about the people of the world that don't have even safe water, sanitation, effective hygiene or the knowledge of Jesus love. Which one did/do I love the most? Absolutely impossible to tell you. I do know that the ones I used to do I don't desire to do now... except baking, I love baking bread. But I don't because bread is fattening and I like to eat it.... while it's still HOT with real butter.
6. I have truly loved a few times, unfortunately they weren't capable of that too. But I have still loved truly and honestly and that makes me glad.

I hope your list like this one is long.

Time keeps on slipping into the future

Lately I have been thinking a lot about time and how elusive and slippery it is. I don't know why, maybe because I am closer to 60 than 50 - which in itself is ridiculous. Trust me on this, you don't feel any different in your spirit, in your very being when you are older than you did when you were, um, 9 years old. The year, for me, that I was very aware of my own thoughts and observations and future. It was a year, actually a summer, I remember, of, the only way I can describe it is - crystalization. Did anyone else out there have a similar moment in time? I mean I suddenly was aware of my thinking certain thoughts and drawing very definate conclusions about life and people and seeing into their hearts. It was, kind of freaky actually.

For the past several weeks, this line often crosses my mind, "she turned to look over her shoulder and watched the moment slip away" or other similar phrases that all for some reason begin with the first 7 words of the phrase I just wrote. Additionally, I see a picture of myself looking over my shoulder - eyes piercing to see what is there! I don't know why I have this picture in my mind of me, looking over my shoulder but I do. I am trying to figure it out.

Dancing across my mind are memories many wonderful and some so awful I don't want to acknowledge them as memories at all. I am a person that has felt in limbo for most of my life. Never really fitting in wherever I have been - I don't mean a misfit or wierd or anything like that, but there are only two times in my life when I think I truly felt whole. Yes, you guessed it... first, when I was nine and then agian when I was raising my children. The bottom line - life in certain moments brings such peace and fulfillment.

Now that I am well over nine and the two are making their own way and doing it well - ya know, I am just trying to figure out my role in life. What is the next thing I am to do that brings meaning ... to my heart? Don't get me wrong, there really isn't much missing from my life. I live a full life. Have an incredible job that I enjoy, work with great people. Thankfully, can pay my bills - Have many friends scattered around the US and even a few in other countries. I keep busy and never have enough time in a day. But there is something that eludes me. I have a faith that is deep and sure and an assurance of eternity, that is not a question.

I was told recently that I am accomplished and bring a lot to people and that that, at times, is overpowering to others. It was said to me by someone I love and trust and it was fine for her to be honest. But I burst into tears. I don't want to be overpowering, that is never in my heart. So I prayed and asked that I would be sensitive to that and not be that way. She said it is not that you do it on purpose it is that you are so self-actualized. And she said, "people don't realize that you are that you are just the same as everyone else... you have the same hurts and needs and moments of joy as we all do... am I right?" she said.... " Ha - said I , you are right!

That stopped me in my tracks and I had to go and look it up again.... Maslow... self actulization. http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/maslow/self.htm Upon reading - I actually laughed out loud. Yes some of it was true, but I am so far from ... it! Which made me feel glad.... and then thoughtful all over again. (Let me say that I do not agree with Maslow on many points....one; I don't think he believed in eternity and I do.)

So my conclusion? I will continue to reach out to others and do my best to see what their heart is saying and needs. And I will let others know when I need something, just not everyone, because for some people, its just not their business. And I promise myself that whenever I hear that phrase running through my mind; "she turned to look over her shoulder..." I will make myself look straight ahead and ask; "where to now"?

Seeping out of my bones....

Seeping out of my bones is a deep desire to create with color. So I will begin to paint soon. Color is something that makes me happy... A year ago I bought new chairs and chose kiwi green. I love them and every color you can think of goes with them. So since they do, I use a lot of them.

I am glad for music and the way it encourages me, calms me, agitates me.