I love that I am getting old and I am still learning! HA! That's good.
So I have been taking an ounce of acai juice with a teaspoon and a half of flaxseed oil every morning for the last couple months... well I just added the oil two weeks ago. But hey I have a lot more energy and my dry eye is going away and my skin feels better. So good.
I also realized today that as I was listening to the local news hearing all these younger people being mentioned for either arrest or awards, etc. That as each name was said I was rehearsing the names in my mind; hoping that if it was an arrest I would NOT hear the name of a former student. I mean for heaven's sake, I was holding my breath! Love and caring runs deep. And by the way no arrests and one award for the home team! good. but not good for those who were arrested. sad.
I got one of those exercise balls. very fun.
Ha ha, I just noticed that every paragraph starts with "I" - I guess this is a self-centered thing these blogs.
Tomorrow should prove interesting. That's all I can say right now.
Peace
Friday, March 13, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The Geography of Bliss
I can't take credit for this title... it's the title of a book I am reading by Eric Weiner. He took a trip searching for the "Happiest Places in the World". http://www.amazon.com/Geography-Bliss-Grumps-Search-Happiest/dp/044669889X/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236562274&sr=8-1
So far, I have read about a third of the book and he's having difficulty! It seems every country defines it a bit differently, happiness that is. It is often tongue in cheek and has caused me to chuckle out loud a few times.
I am glad I can say with confidence I have a lot around me that makes me happy. Good friends and all that, fun job and all that, good fam and all that. I am pretty sure that at the end of the book he is going to know what a lot of us already do. "Um, home is where the heart is, um, mom knows (knew) best, um love your work and be happy." Seems like the next line should be "love the ones you're with" or some other line from an old song.
On another subject I went for a couple of walks this weekend, nothing too huge, but the wildflowers are popping so I have to be among them. And I am glad that it is in the mid-60's and sunny. I like it cool, I like needing a sweatshirt when I walk. It won't last for long... the wildflowers or the sweatshirt weather - enjoy 'em while you have 'em I say.
So far, I have read about a third of the book and he's having difficulty! It seems every country defines it a bit differently, happiness that is. It is often tongue in cheek and has caused me to chuckle out loud a few times.
I am glad I can say with confidence I have a lot around me that makes me happy. Good friends and all that, fun job and all that, good fam and all that. I am pretty sure that at the end of the book he is going to know what a lot of us already do. "Um, home is where the heart is, um, mom knows (knew) best, um love your work and be happy." Seems like the next line should be "love the ones you're with" or some other line from an old song.
On another subject I went for a couple of walks this weekend, nothing too huge, but the wildflowers are popping so I have to be among them. And I am glad that it is in the mid-60's and sunny. I like it cool, I like needing a sweatshirt when I walk. It won't last for long... the wildflowers or the sweatshirt weather - enjoy 'em while you have 'em I say.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Things I Know
Thinking a lot about how life keeps on moving - I know I am still hung up on time. It is so interesting to think about though.
I am very fortunate, I have 3 friends that I would trust my life to. I mean if we were in a really bad situation I think we would all do our best to help each other out of it. That is something that a lot of people don't have.
So when I get uncomfortable with the things that I think should have happened in my life and didn't it is good for me to think on that.
What are the things that make me uncomfortable, that I think should have happened... or not happened in my life? Here is my list:
1. I should not have had to go through a divorce. It wasn't my plan when I said,"I do". My advice - don't live in a fog when you are young and think that everyone is thinking like you and has a healthy outlook on life; even when they talk like they do. If you do that you just might wake up on the first day of your honeymoon and say, "Oh my God what have I done?" But I didn't bail, I really tried and prayed and fasted.
2. I shouldn't have ever had a man look me in the eye and say, "you make too much money" - especially when it was when I was investing my life in the lives of families with young children. And especially because I don't have any retirement or own a home, etc. And especially when he was being paid probably almost 4 times what I was making at the time. (at least that is what someone said to me after they heard him say that to me.) His job? - pushing numbers around spreadsheets. Outcome in my life: that's proof - we live in a broken world.
3. The rest of my list is really to private to share here - so sorry.
Here is my list of the things I love that have happened in my life:
1. I made it this far and am happy and full of peace.
2. Ya, I am still proud of my kids. Speaking of which, if you are a mom whose kids are out of the house... you should watch Diane Keaton in "Because I Said So". I don't like the fact that her kids seem to be encouraged to sleep around, but there is one scene on her birthday where she is absolutely spot on in describing what it is like to be a mother whose kids are grown and what moms are supposed to do now. It is hilariously true.
3. I have been given a cool sister and despite our differences in life and lifestyle we really love each other and help each other - and like she said last week when we were saying good-bye on the phone: "when i started talking to you my back was really hurting and now I guess some good endorphiens were released while we were talking cause my back feels so much better!" Now that's cool and makes me think... I hope I have that effect on a lot of people, as opposed to being a pain in the behind!
4. I have discovered that I really like color, even more than I realized. And light. and the beach. and the mountains. And most of all. that I get to go and experience all those things most anytime I feel like it. I am so blessed to live here.
5. I have had many careers. And I have loved them all. Department Store Buyer, Caterer and Baker, Mother, Teacher, founder and director of a Christian preschool, and now managing volunteers for an international organization that cares about the people of the world that don't have even safe water, sanitation, effective hygiene or the knowledge of Jesus love. Which one did/do I love the most? Absolutely impossible to tell you. I do know that the ones I used to do I don't desire to do now... except baking, I love baking bread. But I don't because bread is fattening and I like to eat it.... while it's still HOT with real butter.
6. I have truly loved a few times, unfortunately they weren't capable of that too. But I have still loved truly and honestly and that makes me glad.
I hope your list like this one is long.
I am very fortunate, I have 3 friends that I would trust my life to. I mean if we were in a really bad situation I think we would all do our best to help each other out of it. That is something that a lot of people don't have.
So when I get uncomfortable with the things that I think should have happened in my life and didn't it is good for me to think on that.
What are the things that make me uncomfortable, that I think should have happened... or not happened in my life? Here is my list:
1. I should not have had to go through a divorce. It wasn't my plan when I said,"I do". My advice - don't live in a fog when you are young and think that everyone is thinking like you and has a healthy outlook on life; even when they talk like they do. If you do that you just might wake up on the first day of your honeymoon and say, "Oh my God what have I done?" But I didn't bail, I really tried and prayed and fasted.
2. I shouldn't have ever had a man look me in the eye and say, "you make too much money" - especially when it was when I was investing my life in the lives of families with young children. And especially because I don't have any retirement or own a home, etc. And especially when he was being paid probably almost 4 times what I was making at the time. (at least that is what someone said to me after they heard him say that to me.) His job? - pushing numbers around spreadsheets. Outcome in my life: that's proof - we live in a broken world.
3. The rest of my list is really to private to share here - so sorry.
Here is my list of the things I love that have happened in my life:
1. I made it this far and am happy and full of peace.
2. Ya, I am still proud of my kids. Speaking of which, if you are a mom whose kids are out of the house... you should watch Diane Keaton in "Because I Said So". I don't like the fact that her kids seem to be encouraged to sleep around, but there is one scene on her birthday where she is absolutely spot on in describing what it is like to be a mother whose kids are grown and what moms are supposed to do now. It is hilariously true.
3. I have been given a cool sister and despite our differences in life and lifestyle we really love each other and help each other - and like she said last week when we were saying good-bye on the phone: "when i started talking to you my back was really hurting and now I guess some good endorphiens were released while we were talking cause my back feels so much better!" Now that's cool and makes me think... I hope I have that effect on a lot of people, as opposed to being a pain in the behind!
4. I have discovered that I really like color, even more than I realized. And light. and the beach. and the mountains. And most of all. that I get to go and experience all those things most anytime I feel like it. I am so blessed to live here.
5. I have had many careers. And I have loved them all. Department Store Buyer, Caterer and Baker, Mother, Teacher, founder and director of a Christian preschool, and now managing volunteers for an international organization that cares about the people of the world that don't have even safe water, sanitation, effective hygiene or the knowledge of Jesus love. Which one did/do I love the most? Absolutely impossible to tell you. I do know that the ones I used to do I don't desire to do now... except baking, I love baking bread. But I don't because bread is fattening and I like to eat it.... while it's still HOT with real butter.
6. I have truly loved a few times, unfortunately they weren't capable of that too. But I have still loved truly and honestly and that makes me glad.
I hope your list like this one is long.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Time keeps on slipping into the future
Lately I have been thinking a lot about time and how elusive and slippery it is. I don't know why, maybe because I am closer to 60 than 50 - which in itself is ridiculous. Trust me on this, you don't feel any different in your spirit, in your very being when you are older than you did when you were, um, 9 years old. The year, for me, that I was very aware of my own thoughts and observations and future. It was a year, actually a summer, I remember, of, the only way I can describe it is - crystalization. Did anyone else out there have a similar moment in time? I mean I suddenly was aware of my thinking certain thoughts and drawing very definate conclusions about life and people and seeing into their hearts. It was, kind of freaky actually.
For the past several weeks, this line often crosses my mind, "she turned to look over her shoulder and watched the moment slip away" or other similar phrases that all for some reason begin with the first 7 words of the phrase I just wrote. Additionally, I see a picture of myself looking over my shoulder - eyes piercing to see what is there! I don't know why I have this picture in my mind of me, looking over my shoulder but I do. I am trying to figure it out.
Dancing across my mind are memories many wonderful and some so awful I don't want to acknowledge them as memories at all. I am a person that has felt in limbo for most of my life. Never really fitting in wherever I have been - I don't mean a misfit or wierd or anything like that, but there are only two times in my life when I think I truly felt whole. Yes, you guessed it... first, when I was nine and then agian when I was raising my children. The bottom line - life in certain moments brings such peace and fulfillment.
Now that I am well over nine and the two are making their own way and doing it well - ya know, I am just trying to figure out my role in life. What is the next thing I am to do that brings meaning ... to my heart? Don't get me wrong, there really isn't much missing from my life. I live a full life. Have an incredible job that I enjoy, work with great people. Thankfully, can pay my bills - Have many friends scattered around the US and even a few in other countries. I keep busy and never have enough time in a day. But there is something that eludes me. I have a faith that is deep and sure and an assurance of eternity, that is not a question.
I was told recently that I am accomplished and bring a lot to people and that that, at times, is overpowering to others. It was said to me by someone I love and trust and it was fine for her to be honest. But I burst into tears. I don't want to be overpowering, that is never in my heart. So I prayed and asked that I would be sensitive to that and not be that way. She said it is not that you do it on purpose it is that you are so self-actualized. And she said, "people don't realize that you are that you are just the same as everyone else... you have the same hurts and needs and moments of joy as we all do... am I right?" she said.... " Ha - said I , you are right!
That stopped me in my tracks and I had to go and look it up again.... Maslow... self actulization. http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/maslow/self.htm Upon reading - I actually laughed out loud. Yes some of it was true, but I am so far from ... it! Which made me feel glad.... and then thoughtful all over again. (Let me say that I do not agree with Maslow on many points....one; I don't think he believed in eternity and I do.)
So my conclusion? I will continue to reach out to others and do my best to see what their heart is saying and needs. And I will let others know when I need something, just not everyone, because for some people, its just not their business. And I promise myself that whenever I hear that phrase running through my mind; "she turned to look over her shoulder..." I will make myself look straight ahead and ask; "where to now"?
For the past several weeks, this line often crosses my mind, "she turned to look over her shoulder and watched the moment slip away" or other similar phrases that all for some reason begin with the first 7 words of the phrase I just wrote. Additionally, I see a picture of myself looking over my shoulder - eyes piercing to see what is there! I don't know why I have this picture in my mind of me, looking over my shoulder but I do. I am trying to figure it out.
Dancing across my mind are memories many wonderful and some so awful I don't want to acknowledge them as memories at all. I am a person that has felt in limbo for most of my life. Never really fitting in wherever I have been - I don't mean a misfit or wierd or anything like that, but there are only two times in my life when I think I truly felt whole. Yes, you guessed it... first, when I was nine and then agian when I was raising my children. The bottom line - life in certain moments brings such peace and fulfillment.
Now that I am well over nine and the two are making their own way and doing it well - ya know, I am just trying to figure out my role in life. What is the next thing I am to do that brings meaning ... to my heart? Don't get me wrong, there really isn't much missing from my life. I live a full life. Have an incredible job that I enjoy, work with great people. Thankfully, can pay my bills - Have many friends scattered around the US and even a few in other countries. I keep busy and never have enough time in a day. But there is something that eludes me. I have a faith that is deep and sure and an assurance of eternity, that is not a question.
I was told recently that I am accomplished and bring a lot to people and that that, at times, is overpowering to others. It was said to me by someone I love and trust and it was fine for her to be honest. But I burst into tears. I don't want to be overpowering, that is never in my heart. So I prayed and asked that I would be sensitive to that and not be that way. She said it is not that you do it on purpose it is that you are so self-actualized. And she said, "people don't realize that you are that you are just the same as everyone else... you have the same hurts and needs and moments of joy as we all do... am I right?" she said.... " Ha - said I , you are right!
That stopped me in my tracks and I had to go and look it up again.... Maslow... self actulization. http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/maslow/self.htm Upon reading - I actually laughed out loud. Yes some of it was true, but I am so far from ... it! Which made me feel glad.... and then thoughtful all over again. (Let me say that I do not agree with Maslow on many points....one; I don't think he believed in eternity and I do.)
So my conclusion? I will continue to reach out to others and do my best to see what their heart is saying and needs. And I will let others know when I need something, just not everyone, because for some people, its just not their business. And I promise myself that whenever I hear that phrase running through my mind; "she turned to look over her shoulder..." I will make myself look straight ahead and ask; "where to now"?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Seeping out of my bones....
Seeping out of my bones is a deep desire to create with color. So I will begin to paint soon. Color is something that makes me happy... A year ago I bought new chairs and chose kiwi green. I love them and every color you can think of goes with them. So since they do, I use a lot of them.
I am glad for music and the way it encourages me, calms me, agitates me.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Words Really Bother Me
Words really bother me. They can take on a life of their own.
I mean I have something I want to say, the right thing, you know? And sometimes it just comes out wrong or awkward. Especially when I want to convey something to someone I love, care about - I know, if you know me you are saying - "what, that's crazy - you've said some great, right, helpful, appropriate things to me, things I needed at that moment."
Maybe... good that is good.... but it is the times I fail to say that right thing, or freeze, or feel full of my own emotion over what the person has said and can't get the words out, or get scared of what the person will think... or I think - if I say that they will get mad and not speak to me.....
So if I say the wrong thing to you, please know it is not in my heart to do that. It is in my heart to bring everyone that is in my life joy and peace. That is what I really want to do.
So if I disappoint you, do me a favor and tell me. Cause the other thing I want to do is get better at this.
I mean I have something I want to say, the right thing, you know? And sometimes it just comes out wrong or awkward. Especially when I want to convey something to someone I love, care about - I know, if you know me you are saying - "what, that's crazy - you've said some great, right, helpful, appropriate things to me, things I needed at that moment."
Maybe... good that is good.... but it is the times I fail to say that right thing, or freeze, or feel full of my own emotion over what the person has said and can't get the words out, or get scared of what the person will think... or I think - if I say that they will get mad and not speak to me.....
So if I say the wrong thing to you, please know it is not in my heart to do that. It is in my heart to bring everyone that is in my life joy and peace. That is what I really want to do.
So if I disappoint you, do me a favor and tell me. Cause the other thing I want to do is get better at this.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Once You've Looked In.... Look Out
Here we go another year... I know a boring beginning to an unknown blog. But come back again, join in and share your thoughts too.
Having experienced many decades of life, marrying, raising kids, a divorce and 4 careers I can look back and thankfully still look forward.
Dreams as yet unfulfilled but not stopping me in my tracks include - owning my own bread baking company, retiring to the mountains, creating beautiful stained glass windows.... contemporary and colorful, not pics of sea gulls and flowers thank you anyway.
Currently, as a woman of faith, I am praying for solutions and new doors to open... such as I never imagined. I have found that in matters of faith and prayer I only restrict myself if my "heart thoughts" are too narrow.
Hope you will come back, hope you may even subscribe... please don't be silent, because it is the conversation that makes life fun!
Having experienced many decades of life, marrying, raising kids, a divorce and 4 careers I can look back and thankfully still look forward.
Dreams as yet unfulfilled but not stopping me in my tracks include - owning my own bread baking company, retiring to the mountains, creating beautiful stained glass windows.... contemporary and colorful, not pics of sea gulls and flowers thank you anyway.
Currently, as a woman of faith, I am praying for solutions and new doors to open... such as I never imagined. I have found that in matters of faith and prayer I only restrict myself if my "heart thoughts" are too narrow.
Hope you will come back, hope you may even subscribe... please don't be silent, because it is the conversation that makes life fun!
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