Lately I have been thinking a lot about time and how elusive and slippery it is. I don't know why, maybe because I am closer to 60 than 50 - which in itself is ridiculous. Trust me on this, you don't feel any different in your spirit, in your very being when you are older than you did when you were, um, 9 years old. The year, for me, that I was very aware of my own thoughts and observations and future. It was a year, actually a summer, I remember, of, the only way I can describe it is - crystalization. Did anyone else out there have a similar moment in time? I mean I suddenly was aware of my thinking certain thoughts and drawing very definate conclusions about life and people and seeing into their hearts. It was, kind of freaky actually.
For the past several weeks, this line often crosses my mind, "she turned to look over her shoulder and watched the moment slip away" or other similar phrases that all for some reason begin with the first 7 words of the phrase I just wrote. Additionally, I see a picture of myself looking over my shoulder - eyes piercing to see what is there! I don't know why I have this picture in my mind of me, looking over my shoulder but I do. I am trying to figure it out.
Dancing across my mind are memories many wonderful and some so awful I don't want to acknowledge them as memories at all. I am a person that has felt in limbo for most of my life. Never really fitting in wherever I have been - I don't mean a misfit or wierd or anything like that, but there are only two times in my life when I think I truly felt whole. Yes, you guessed it... first, when I was nine and then agian when I was raising my children. The bottom line - life in certain moments brings such peace and fulfillment.
Now that I am well over nine and the two are making their own way and doing it well - ya know, I am just trying to figure out my role in life. What is the next thing I am to do that brings meaning ... to my heart? Don't get me wrong, there really isn't much missing from my life. I live a full life. Have an incredible job that I enjoy, work with great people. Thankfully, can pay my bills - Have many friends scattered around the US and even a few in other countries. I keep busy and never have enough time in a day. But there is something that eludes me. I have a faith that is deep and sure and an assurance of eternity, that is not a question.
I was told recently that I am accomplished and bring a lot to people and that that, at times, is overpowering to others. It was said to me by someone I love and trust and it was fine for her to be honest. But I burst into tears. I don't want to be overpowering, that is never in my heart. So I prayed and asked that I would be sensitive to that and not be that way. She said it is not that you do it on purpose it is that you are so self-actualized. And she said, "people don't realize that you are that you are just the same as everyone else... you have the same hurts and needs and moments of joy as we all do... am I right?" she said.... " Ha - said I , you are right!
That stopped me in my tracks and I had to go and look it up again.... Maslow... self actulization. http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/maslow/self.htm Upon reading - I actually laughed out loud. Yes some of it was true, but I am so far from ... it! Which made me feel glad.... and then thoughtful all over again. (Let me say that I do not agree with Maslow on many points....one; I don't think he believed in eternity and I do.)
So my conclusion? I will continue to reach out to others and do my best to see what their heart is saying and needs. And I will let others know when I need something, just not everyone, because for some people, its just not their business. And I promise myself that whenever I hear that phrase running through my mind; "she turned to look over her shoulder..." I will make myself look straight ahead and ask; "where to now"?
No comments:
Post a Comment