Suddenly I am reflective about my past…..
I was laying there a little baby girl…. and simply blinked and turned around six times and looked again… Shockingly I am a sixty-four year old woman.
Some of the blinks were long and slow in my mind’s eye, but most, yes, most were really, really fast. Speedy fast – seemingly too fast. But you and I both know that every minute is 60 seconds and every hour is 60 minutes so the speed of it all is just an illusion.
Each decade up to the age of sixty, has been momentous in its own right. And this current one is proving to be the same. But this post is going to focus not on this decade, but on the first…. The first you say… what could that matter?
Let me tell you.
The first few days of my life started with lots of blood and included the struggle of almost drowning in childbirth - hanging on the edge for a few days - as was my mom.
The nurse told her. "You and your baby are going to die."
She said, "No, we aren't."
So we didn't, we lived.
There was the usual infant development (with no residual challenges of any kind from the harrowing birth) and by the age of three years, nine months I was big sister to a brother and a set of fraternal twins - one boy and one girl. Mom was in a physical struggle with her health from all this and I quickly became the busy helper. Dad was hard-working and he often talked to me about life and people and the importance of being kind - they both loved their kids and each other.
Tick ~ tock ~ tick. ///// Five years passed.
Starting kindergarten at just a few days five was, in a word, difficult.
I was very shy, very gullible and very naive. In addition to the littles my world was surrounded by a lot of adults and a few neighborhood kids, all many years older than I was.
My shyness at school (and all the way through high school) was translated by others as being stuck-up - in reality I was terrified of pretty much everyone.
When I was almost six we left the big city and moved out to the country... It was lovely and green and I was still very quiet and shy - now flash forward about three years -
It was the summer of my ninth year when the sudden and crystal clear reality of God's existence - the Creator - the Ever Watchful One -- showed in a simple but personally profound way.
Before that tale is told though I have to return to the first moment when I discovered He existed. I was four years old and ...
Oh wait, first -
Imagine this -
Being a mom with four kids in less than four years all delivered via three harrowing cesarean sections – Yep that was my mom.
Keep that in mind please when you read on….
Cause your first thoughts might be judgment towards her.
No judgement allowed. My mom had to be utterly exhausted.
Somehow, in the midst of attending to the littles, someone managed to drop me off at Sunday School. I don't know the name of the church, except it was in the big city. I cannot remember or picture anything relating to any of the other children or what we did in class. I can see in my mind’s eye the big, hospital green walls of the classroom, the right-sized chairs, the teacher's counter that included a sink, and big "old building type" windows. I cannot see her face but I sense the teacher was older, grandmotherly. I remember going there only this once, which translates to not really knowing her at all.
This happened.
Suddenly the room was empty, except for me and the teacher.
Mom was late - very late. Another woman came in and strangely enough, (oh the things we remember)
I remember her frowning and a mention of “my roast is in the oven” but she said she would "make the call" and left.
We waited and I remember sensing the teacher was concerned but calm. She sat down in one of the little chairs across from me. She knew I was scared... very scared. I mean, really, think about it, she was in reality a stranger. Fortunately she did the best thing ever. The thing I needed (though I didn't know it) - she began to read out loud Psalm 23, The Lord is my Shepherd…, etc.
We were there together long enough that she began to help me memorize it. As she read it and I whisper recited after her I remember still being tense but the scary feelings were dwindling.
After a long while, my mom rushed, really rushed into the room, frantic and apologetic and embarrassed. She'd simply lost track of time, I remember her mentioning feeding the twins - having the three littles at home...., etc. The teacher was gracious and we went on our way. As we left, though I didn't realize it then... I left with my mom and a treasure in my heart that remains to this day. That day a part of me received a portion of my foundation, verses of Truth hidden deep in my heart.
So here let me pause and give my thanks to the faceless, nameless woman that stopped and did the only thing she knew to do – the thing that would reach the scared, shy little girl (that was a stranger to her too) in the most kind and eternal way possible. No, I never saw her again... but I will someday.
Now back to the summer of my ninth year. We had, in science class that past school year, learned about the unusual, strange looking, praying mantis - a full color photo was in our science book. I didn't realize it at the time but I had logged that photo deep in my skeptical brain.
So it’s summer, lovely carefree summer, and I was up in the brambles looking for berries - strangely it was a moment in time where I was alone, with no littles around me.
Anyway.
I can even now pull up the feelings and sounds and sights; the warmth of the sun on my back, the chirping birds, the crystal blue sky, all the bramble branches and trees touched by a bit of a breeze. For every berry I picked I ate two… or three. I realized I had to go deeper into the wild brambles where I could see not only plump berries, but lots of them, very important because I had claimed I was going to pick enough berries for a pie. ;)
I crouched and ducked, the thorns did not deter me – I parted the thicket with the intent of finding a passage into the depths but suddenly, there, just in front of me at eye level it sat – praying pose perfect.
I remember gasping but having the presence of mind to do so quietly. I remember being in absolute and utter shock that a praying mantis actually existed and that I had discovered one.
I remember whispering, “It exists.”
Then I remember staring at it hard for a long while and for the first time ever, from deep in my heart speaking out loud to God. I said, “You really did make this God– it exists and I didn't really believe it did…. somehow now I know You exist too.”
I sat in silence and watched it.... It stayed there longer than I did. As I watched it a peace flooded me like I had not experienced ever and even though I had always walked alone in my shyness I suddenly realized I never was really alone. God knew this heart was skeptical…. I wouldn't even believe a photo in a science book!
These two experiences were the combination that opened the door of my heart and mind to discovery and ignited a quest to know about eternity.
Here’s a nugget for you to read below…..
Psalm 65: 1-13 – The Message -
Silence is praise to you,
Zion-dwelling God,
And also obedience. You hear the prayer in it all.
Zion-dwelling God,
And also obedience. You hear the prayer in it all.
We all arrive at your doorstep sooner
or later, loaded with guilt,
Our sins too much for us— but you get rid of them once and for all.
Blessed are the chosen! Blessed the guest at home in your place!
We expect our fill of good things in your house, your heavenly manse.
All your salvation wonders are on display in your trophy room.
Earth-Tamer, Ocean-Pourer, Mountain-Maker, Hill-Dresser,
Muzzler of sea storm and wave crash, of mobs in noisy riot—
Far and wide they’ll come to a stop, they’ll stare in awe, in wonder.
Dawn and dusk take turns calling, “Come and worship.”
or later, loaded with guilt,
Our sins too much for us— but you get rid of them once and for all.
Blessed are the chosen! Blessed the guest at home in your place!
We expect our fill of good things in your house, your heavenly manse.
All your salvation wonders are on display in your trophy room.
Earth-Tamer, Ocean-Pourer, Mountain-Maker, Hill-Dresser,
Muzzler of sea storm and wave crash, of mobs in noisy riot—
Far and wide they’ll come to a stop, they’ll stare in awe, in wonder.
Dawn and dusk take turns calling, “Come and worship.”
Oh, visit the earth,
ask her to join the dance!
Deck her out in spring showers, fill the God-River with living water.
Paint the wheat fields golden. Creation was made for this!
Drench the plowed fields, soak the dirt clods
With rainfall as harrow and rake bring her to blossom and fruit.
Snow-crown the peaks with splendor, scatter rose petals down your paths,
All through the wild meadows, rose petals. Set the hills to dancing,
Dress the canyon walls with live sheep, a drape of flax across the valleys.
Let them shout, and shout, and shout! Oh, oh, let them sing!
ask her to join the dance!
Deck her out in spring showers, fill the God-River with living water.
Paint the wheat fields golden. Creation was made for this!
Drench the plowed fields, soak the dirt clods
With rainfall as harrow and rake bring her to blossom and fruit.
Snow-crown the peaks with splendor, scatter rose petals down your paths,
All through the wild meadows, rose petals. Set the hills to dancing,
Dress the canyon walls with live sheep, a drape of flax across the valleys.
Let them shout, and shout, and shout! Oh, oh, let them sing!
