Letting go - it's hard.

I have been letting go of a lot of emotion these last few days. I am not known as one to cry. So when I woke up yesterday and truly, before my eyes were really open burst into loud wracking sobs - I can only say... I was shocked.

But I have also had some soft and silent, peaceful and dripping with joy, moments. I know that sounds pretty dramatic, but that is the only way I can describe them. I mean I still cry more then I have those moments I just described - but that is because I am icky, fleshly and human and self-centered. (And doggone it I miss my Dad. - woman stomps foot)

As I think about grief I think that is a lot of what grief is... I think it is icky, fleshly and human and self-centered, and for heaven's sake so out of control.. I mean it just takes over when it feels like it and then suddenly it is gone... for a while.

I know, I know, it is that we miss our loved ones. Are you thinking right now, "Really woman, you should stop beating yourself up and just roll with it." Wait though... you have to admit that it is kind of all about ME missing someone - and I hate the part of me that thinks about myself more than others - it so prevalent. ICK.

Think about this...

In eternity; there are no tears shed (except maybe tears of joy), there is no pain, there is no emptiness, no thought of one's need, no wondering, no anguish, no worrying, no anything I don't like.

I believe that when someone is "there" they can still see me - so I am sure they aren't missing me the same way I am missing them... at least I don't think they are. I believe yes, that they are waiting for us, but they just know it all so they can wait in joy - I even wonder if they know when we will be there. - Or are they just hanging out watching and waiting and looking at the calendar wondering? Ha! That's a funny picture in my brain now.

Today we had a little tribute to dad and just as we finished saying goodbye to a few people and clearing everything to inside, there was a huge clap of thunder and it began to pour. BUT the sun was so brightly setting, the clouds white with just a hint of grey - it was lovely, I mean seriously it was.

We stood under the eaves and someone said, "Look, look straight up, the drops are huge and they are sparkling!" And you know what? They were. Sparkling and glittery and falling straight down, very straight - We were all exclaiming that we had never, ever seen that before.

Suddenly, and it was suddenly, I took a deep breath and I realized... the air was completely fresh and clean - like even more than usual.

I remembered having a thought drift across my consciousness yesterday, "It's going to rain tomorrow and it will be significant." And it did and it was.

My sister said, "What do you think this means?"

This is what I told her; "I think it is just dad saying he is washed clean of everything, including his ties to this earth, he is free and just full of joy and so happy."

When I said that out loud, right then is when I had this incredible burst of dripping joy and I could see, in my mind's eye, my dad, smiling at me with those blue eyes twinkling.

It was very cool.

I remember as a kid, living up on the top of a hill in Ohio - My dad taught me how to look out the picture window and way across the vast valley and watch the rain come across to the hilltop. "Watch, watch," he'd say, "Do you see it moving our way?" Then almost every time it rained it seemed like he would say, "The air is fresh and clean after the rain."

And one day, I could see it the rain was coming - I remember looking up at him and thinking, "Wow, I see it." Then I remember him opening the door to the back yard and breathing deeply... "Can you smell it, can you Lisa? It is so lovely after the rain." Just one statement. One true statement.

What do you believe? What do you think about grief? Please leave your comments ~ I would love to hear from you.

I love my dad

I love my dad. From the first moment of my life we had this special thing. My mom was very sick and I bonded with my dad in a way I cannot even put into words.

My dad died last night, passed to the other side. And I, I was blessed to be there with him. - To hold his hand for the last two hours of his life and tell him of my love for him and hear him tell me things I will never forget.

God gave that to me. And I am forever grateful. After I was there with him for just a few minutes in the emergency room, I saw that he was pretty stabilized and for a very little while I thought maybe the premonition I had just a few days earlier was wrong. But then he looked me deeply in the eye with his beautiful blue ones and he said, "You are such a pretty girl." - You see, I knew right then that he was going to go soon.

Why? Well, I was the firstborn of four, the first grandchild, the first great grandchild on my mom's side. Let's just say that I was pretty much the center of a lot of people's lives. My mom and I had almost died as I was being born and we both pulled miraculously through, despite a nurse telling her we were both going to die.

My goodness. All the time, everybody told me ..... I was pretty. But my dad, my dad was the one that said it the most. So much that my first word was not ma-ma or da-da but.... pretty!

So when my dad looked at me last night and said it again in this certain way he had, I just knew, this little sentence, this grasping so hard of my hand, this looking in my eye and letting some fear show... "what is going on daughter, what is happening to me?", meant something, something big. He was confused just a little, and kept forgetting where he was, and ya stuff.

But he knew me and he talked to me and loved me one last time in the here and now.

The the nurse came in, time for some more of "that medicine" that will help his heart even out a bit, the last dose has completed its course. She explained, he looked at me, this will help your heart Dad, it is beating so hard. Yes he agreed it was beating so hard. With a wave of his hand he ok'd the medicine.

But then just as she was to begin, he looked at me again.... and his eyes were wide and bright and I don't know I just saw something there. I thought to myself, no, he is going to go now. Then he said oh so loudly, my head hurts! And then his body just had done it's job for as long as it could and I saw him go. I felt him go straight out of his body into a better, much better eternal place.

And all the sudden the doctor was ready to start extraordinary measures. But dad had said, no and signed the paper to seal that years ago. I told the doctor, I appreciate that you care (he had tears in his eyes) but he is already gone. He said, "I want to respect his wishes, can I do just one little bit of medicine?" I said, "OK"... but as he did that I turned and looked at the monitor and watched where they told me to. I said, "It isn't going to work he is already gone. He is home and he is with his wife and his son, and his little great grandson, Tobin."

And I was right and I cried but I cried for me and inside I smiled for him.

Then I thought to myself... Oh and, he is there now with his mom and dad and sister and brother in law and some very dear friends that have been waiting for him. He is dancing and praising and worshiping the King of Kings and it is what he has longed for for ever so long!

It is hard, my dad taught me so much, and helped me just hold the course by his example. I am who I am because of the things he taught me about how to love people. He lived on this earth for 85 years and 65 days and he finished well. He had hard times and he had good times. I watched his whole life change in 1967 when he discovered what it meant to know Jesus. I saw him completely change and he was, well, transformed.

I watched him love and forgive and apologize and be strong and be afraid and always encourage me no matter what. And he told me things that it was ok to let go of and he was always right about that. But he never tried to control me, he let me be me and he saw my strengths and encouraged them. He was a really good dad.

In these last years we were friends and I am so glad I took time, spent weeks with him after my mom passed - they were together almost 60 years - He never really recovered from losing the love of his life. These last two months I saw the restlessness, I saw him get mad at his body as it betrayed him more and more each day, I heard him apologize that he needed help, and I was so happy when I could help him and tell him it was ok. I begged God to take him, because that is what my dad wanted and I didn't want him to feel like he had no more dignity...and he did. And it is ok, hard, but ok and right.

I am sorry for the ones I love that did not have the same kind of dad that I had. I wish that was different.

I wish everyone could have a dad like I did...do... He showed me love and it was pure and beautiful and because of it I know how much my creator loves me, really how much he loves all of us.